Mental Health of an Artist

Keeping yourself inspired, energized & ready to write is important. Being able to style an outfit for myself so that it looks great is also important. So is mental health. I consider myself an artist in terms of writing because I want to be that great of a writer as well as be myself. It is important to talk about mental health for yourself and for others because soooo many things can get in our way & we either work around them or get through that mental block. As an artist, my medium is writing & I have to get out what’s on my mind whenever I’m writing in my journal or one of my mental health apps. There are soooo many mental flaws (if you will – instead of identifying them as a mental illness) that many people have. Anxiety seems to be the most common one. A lot of people have depression as well, but they don’t show it because they know how to hide it very well. I’ve been known to hide my mental flaws. I want to note that just because you have anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, or bipolar depression, it’s not an illness of the mind. I perceive it as a mental flaw. Just because you can’t tell if someone has any of these flaws, doesn’t mean they have that particular flaw. I’ve written about my mental health in a memoir on Wattpad, you can find the book @esjaadi & the title of the book is, “Breathe Through the Scars.” It is about my mental health struggle as well as how much I have grown since then. I had published it two years ago & I know I don’t feel the same as I did when I wrote that book. ALOT has changed since then. I mean I have grown mentally & emotionally. It feels like I have been through a lot since then with trying to make friends as well as looking for that one guy who I can spend my life with. I’ve had a bunch of different jobs as well.

The other medium I use is fashion. I use it to express who I am & who I want to be so that I can be the person I want to become to be successful. I know there are all these quotes, books & advice from fashion people, entrepreneurs & thought leaders about how life should be lived & how to better yourself. However, I’m trying to undo that by living the way I want to live in a stylish & sustainable way. What I’m trying to do is unf*ck my life. My life isn’t terrible, but it is great. I’ve been trying to stay away from the hustle quotes that are supposed to drive me to succeed & move forward with my personal goals. Yes, it is important to follow with my goals & actually achieve them, which is my plan. I plan to be halfway there in 5 years. And accomplish them in 10 years. By 10 years time, I’d like to continue with my goals & take them a step further. I have smaller goals that don’t have anything to do with writing or fashion. However, once I begin that goal, I’ll let you know when that arrives.

Fashion has always been my outlet to express who I am & who I want to be. It is what I can say about myself without speaking. Kind of like a painting from a famous artist. Except, Idc about fame. I admire artists who use their fame for good. Fashion is my love. I have every Alexander McQueen book that is about his life, the story behind each collection & until the last collection he had designed. I love fashion on an emotional level because it had been with me for years & years. I remember I had heard of Dior & Jimmy Choo when I was a kid, but I didn’t who they were or what they did until I saw it in a Vogue magazine. Then I was like, “OOHH this is Jimmy Choo! He designs shoes!” “This is Dior?!?! Oohh my gosh! It’s incredible & very intricate & beautiful!” At that point, I felt SO obsessed with fashion & I wanted to know who all the best fashion designers are & what their collections are about. The main designer that caught my eye was McQueen’s collection because I felt some kind emotional energy when I saw the collection of the black & red dresses of the hounds tooth grew bigger & bigger & became a bird. Some of the fashion models were wearing black rims of a car on their head like it is a facinator hat. I felt the emotional energy from the collection because of what I was going through at the time & what was happening in my life.

Now, in order to be the best that I can be as artist, even when mental health gets in my way, I have to refocus my attention to what is truly important to me & that is my two primary goals in being a fashion influencer & a writer. To be the best, means to stop stopping myself from the things that prevent me from achieving my goals & the things that are distracting me from my goals. I usually ask myself, “Does this support the life that I’m trying to create?” If the answer is yes, then I follow through. If the answer is no, then I change course onto something that does. This is crucial because why bother with the things that have nothing to do with my life goals? I’d rather pursue what I want most & create the life that I want to live & be confident & joyful about it. 🦄🌟

Known For This

It feels like there are a bunch of things that I want to be known for. It is about being remembered for who I want to be known for. It is not about fame. I don’t care about that. If it happens to me while I am alive, I’ll use it for good and not take advantage. I’ll be sure everyone who knows me personally & those who were in passing knows who I am. I was born for a reason. Life is about becoming the person that I’m meant to be. I was born to be a writer and tell my story on a fashion level and on a mental health level.

The things that I want to be known for are for being a professional writer, a travel influencer and a fashion influencer. All of these go hand in hand, however, I want to become a fashion influencer before I travel the world. I want to be known for my 3D printed project. Of which I won’t reveal until I take that one to fruition. I know that idea is very special and it is unique. The idea I have for an accessory is unlike no other and technically no one has seen the design before. It is very colorful and intricate in design.

I want to be known for these things because it is part of what I am passionate about. I want to make my passion my paycheck. That’s important. Now, to be known for who I want to be takes quality over quantity. I like that kind of thing. I am that person. It is not only materialistic, but I’d rather be a quality person. Having the high fashion things does not necessarily make you a quality person. If you have one Louis Vuitton bag and it was a gift and everything else had cost you less than $1,000 in total of your outfit, in my perception that does not make you luxurious nor does it really make you more of a quality person. On the other side, if everything you are wearing is high fashion and dressed to be the best, that does make you look luxurious and of quality. However, what’s curious to me, is if that person has a quality mindset and if they have a quality personality. I don’t know much about fashion psychology, although the person with one Louis Vuitton bag could be working towards that lifestyle… Or maybe just wanted the bag because it is Louis Vuitton. Who knows?

Anyways, it is important to me to be known for being a writer and for being a fashion influencer. At this point in my life, I’m an aspiring fashion influencer and an aspiring professional writer. I have a lot of work to do and I’m willing to go for for my goals and take them to fruition. This is how I’m going to tell my story – through my blog and through my Instagram (@iamesjaadi and @esjaadi). I believe it is important to tell my story here and show the world that you can take your goals to fruition despite the mental health struggles. This is my volition.

Designed My Recovery

These few photos are pretty recent, however I feel like it is relevant to my story here. These were taken in Muir Woods, CA in April 2021.

I’ve been through so much in my life & I’ve recovered from it. Yes, I had help along the way. However, I feel like I had designed some of that recovery myself. I had defined some of it myself. I really don’t care who knows what I have been through. I had written a memoir about all of it on Wattpad & you can check it out there. You can look for it under the title, “Breathe Through the Scars.”

The “so much” I have been through is anxiety & depression. That comes with overthinking to the point of depression. Of course, I’m better now. I spent days & weeks at two mental health programs. One in Tennessee & one in Florida. That was 6 or 7 years ago. I didn’t work on my goals that I want to take fruition in my twenties, I worked on my mental health throughout my twenties. Dealing with what I had gone through was like a war at myself every day. I was overthinking SOOO goddamn much that I didn’t do anything & it felt like overthinking was the productive part of my day. I’d listen to music to stop the racing thoughts in my mind. That didn’t necessarily help.

I had to speak to a therapist at the two mental health programs. Side note: I went to a mental hospital for about a week or so before those mental health programs. Anxiety & depression made me a mess… A wreck, really. I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since then. The people who had helped with my recovery were my brothers & my mother. My family friend, her sister & her parents visited me in Florida, which was great. However, I believe recovery can be an ongoing process. I know how to manage my anxiety & depression, now. I know we’ve been in a pandemic since January of last year & it’s important to wear a mask, although my anxiety does get to me sometimes, but not as often as before. As far as depression goes, yeah it’s there when I worry. I know worrying doesn’t do anything. However, when I struggle to pursue the goals that I want to take fruition & be the person that I must become, I feel depressed because it’s like, “What if it’s not what I expect it to be? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail & there’s no one to catch me?!” At the same time, I’m thinking, “But what if it does work out? What if it is what I expect it to be & more?” I go back & forth sometimes & I know that’s the anxiety talking.

So, you have to design your own recovery. Don’t go to the mental hospital or mental health programs just because I did. You get to define your own recovery. You get to decide how you want to live your life. I believe I’m limited edition & I get to live my life that way. Live your life your own way! 🦄⚡

My Self Care is Part of my Why

Meditation is part of my self care and that is habitual to my life. In my perception, I believe meditation relieves stress from my life & somehow reveals what I don’t know yet. For example, almost every day I get a little teary-eyed after or during the meditation & I’m not sure why this is. I’ve noticed that my body shakes when I do certain meditations. Does this happen to any of you? I listen to meditations that are centered on motivation, focus, confidence, relaxation & creativity. I use the app, Insight Timer & it is very helpful. I don’t stress in the morning, however I meditate once in the morning & that prevents me from being stressed out throughout the day.

I workout my body twice each morning. Once after I meditate for 15 min & again later in the morning for 18min. I wake up before 6am every day. I don’t have an alarm to wake me up every day, it is my body clock that wakes me up so early in the morning. I usually go to bed before 9pm, however, even if I go to sleep at midnight, I’ll wake up before 7am or 6am. It is important for me to wake up early, so that I can get more done throughout the day. So, for the workouts, I do two core workouts each day. Even on the days I don’t feel like it. I have days where I only have time for one core workout, but on the weekends, I’ll do two core workouts with 2hrs apart. On the days where I have time to do one core workout, I’ll keep it to 15min. I use the app, Down Dog for my workouts.

I write in my journal every morning before I meditate. I’m trying to identify my emotions to improve my EQ, so I use the app, Daylio to do this. This one is helpful because you add notes & add a photo for each emotion that you’re feeling throughout the day. I use another app for self care & that is Journey. This is where I write my journal entries every morning. You can add hashtags to your entries & photos as well. Writing in my journal is a really good practice because it gets out everything that’s on my mind. Blogging is great, too.

I hear therapy is more mainstream, now. I’m glad that it is not so much of a stigma as it used to be. I recall when I was in my late teen years & early 20s that going to therapy was looked down on & it wasn’t good to have a therapist. That meant that something is wrong with you or you had to work on your issues. In highschool, I had a guidance counselor, but I think everyone did at the time. Some years after that, I began to see a therapist & I continue to do so. There are therapy apps. I don’t use them, since it is not for me. If it works for you, that’s great. If therapy isn’t for you, then you could find something else that works for you to manage your emotions & your mental health.

I’m currently figuring what my powerful WHY is & how I can use that to my advantage. I know I have been talking about mental health & my personal story on here & my IG (@esjaadi & @iamesjaadi). That powerful WHY could be anything. I know it has to do why I’m doing what I do. I’m an aspiring professional writer because I want to tell my story of who I am & I want to inspire others who have gone through adversity – whether it is similar to my story or not. I want them to know they’re not alone. I’m an aspiring fashion influencer because I want to present to the world my travels & my experiences in the world to show that you can take your goals to fruition despite your setbacks & your mental health difficulties. I believe it is possible & I believe it will come to life.

A Lifestyle of Passion

The lifestyle that I want to pursue is taking my goals to fruition. I want to make an impact on the world by proving to myself that I can make my goals come alive. This blog is about the lifestyle that I want to pursue & then taking those goals to fruition. The change that I want to make in my life is getting outside of my comfort zone. One of those goals is becoming a fashion influencer & using my platform on my blog & Instagram to show that those who are living in the Middle Class, regardless of who they are can live out their dreams & make everything come alive. I want to change my world, so that I can live a better life for myself.

This may sound narcissistic, but I am not. I know there are a lot of artists & influencers out there who are being authentic, real to themselves, true to who they are & proving to everyone including themselves that what they are doing & saying isn’t fake. I get that. It can be difficult to distinguish who is genuine on social media & who isn’t. There’s a bunch of “fluff” if you will.

My mindset & myself have never been fake. I’ve been told that I’m genuine, loyal, & that I’m stylish, creative & diligent. Just because someone has a wealth mindset, doesn’t necessarily mean their mindset matches their lifestyle. Yes, I’m working on myself to get where I’d like to be so that I can be the person I’m going to become & be successful. It’s not an overnight process, it takes time & it’s important to me. I know I’ll find a way to build the life I want. It’s not easy, but it is definitely worth it.

It is the music that inspires me to be a better person. Self-discipline can be challenging to achieve on a daily basis. However, the challenges I set for myself are the ones I can achieve, nor from someone else, who doesn’t know my limits & what I am capable of.

The world, my world can be a better place to live & I envision it every day. There are changes to be made & I have to make those changes. I know I cannot do this alone & it is important to network with people who I work with to bring my projects to life. They’re all very real to me & they will happen. It is like if I mention one detail of any of those projects, then someone on the internet will take my idea. I have great ideas & it is about the credit from me because it is MY idea. Some people are sensitive & some aren’t.

The best part of this change is so that I can have the opportunity to have the best life that I envision for me. It’s not only about fashion: designer clothes, shoes, bags & jewelry. It’s about the experience in fashion & traveling the world while doing that. Also, being respectful of where I travel & not wearing Prada in places where they wouldn’t wear Valentino. Makes sense. Traveling the world & experiencing what I want is better than shopping. Same for making memories.

I believe if I change my world to be a better place for myself, then the world itself can be a better place to live. Don’t we all have the opportunity to make an impact on this Earth? I know I have the opportunity to do that. I’m not average. I’m not everyone. I’m going to be who I want to be. Currently, I’m the person that I am working on. I’m in the process of bettering myself & it is ongoing.

Mask on!

My Path to Succeed

I don’t see the path as one definite way to get to where I want to be. I don’t think there is a place that’s destined for me. I believe I can create my own path. I can create the person that I want to be & rise above that. I can always get what I want. I don’t have to tell anyone what my next move is. What’s important is to make moves in silence & show up when you’ve got your act together. I don’t let anyone decide my life for me, I make my own choices. I don’t always need advice. There are numerous ways to push myself to get to where I want to be in my life. I have to work on myself to get where I want to be in my life.

I know this is a short piece… However, I know where I am going in my path to take my goals to fruition. I’m working bon improving myself to be my best self.

I noticed this is my first post on my blog of 2021!

Ph. Myself.

What Universe I Live In





I believe my life should be a music video. Something like a hip hop or pop music video. It’s eclectic glamour. It’s not like a Broadway musical. It’s more like everyone is glamorous, they have nice cars, dressed elegantly & the location is in a beautiful home. I am unapologetically a material girl, but at the same time, I’d rather travel the world & make memories & have different experiences than go on a shopping spree. My mindset is bougie, so I am determined to fit my life into that. I perceive my life to always have the best food wherever I go. I only want the best – whether it is clothes, experiences, memories, friends or what ever comes my way. I know I deserve the best. I just need to work my way towards that high. This isn’t some “fantasy” that you think I live in. I’d rather create my own reality, create my own world & take everything to fruition to show that I can do what I want & not have to worry too much. It’s important to not care what anyone thinks of me or what I do.

How I Created Esjaadi











Whenever I’m asked what Esjaadi means, my go to is: It is what my initials, SJD, sounds like. However, I like that it sounds Persian because that’s what half of me is. I’ve been figuring out what the name really means for me. I feel like this is something I can only explain on a music level. I like the artist, Massari who is Arabic. Abir is amazing, she’s Indian. I don’t know of any Persian artists who are popular today. I’ve heard of Googoosh, who is a wonderful Persian singer. There’s also Raja Kumari, who is a great Indian artist. I didn’t create the name to make it sound Persian, I wanted that to be my name for insta. And it is: @esjaadi. Plus, the name could be my nickname. I know it is silly to give yourself a nickname.

I feel like Esjaadi is who I should be & who I want to be. I want to be that person who took her work in progress to completed & took it farther. I know on a mental level, we’ll be working in progress continuously. Esjaadi is the woman I aspire to be so that I gain that confidence to overcome my fears. Isn’t what we’re all after?

Side note: Maybe Esjaadi is my alter ego. The woman I can actually be. Kind of like how some artists create a name for themselves for their stage name. Although, this isn’t a stage, this is life.

So, what is Esjaadi? She is bougie. Her mindset is wealthy & bougie. She has expensive taste. Her taste is expensive like Pagani Huayra. She has great style but style isn’t everything. Her desire is to travel the world – solo, dine in the sky, stay at the giraffe manor, scuba dive in the Caribbean, sky dive in Dubai, UAE; & soooo many other things. She’s powerful, intelligent, loyal, creative, diligent & strong. I know what I want & I’m going to get it.

A Platform for Success









I’m using my blog to further my success not only because I believe it will happen, but because it’s fruitful & lucrative. I know I don’t post often, but that doesn’t mean I’m not working on myself every day. I continue to improve myself which is important. I envision that my goals will come to fruition. I know they say to not to reveal your next move & there are two rules in life: 1. Never reveal everything you know. I think that’s really important because it’s best to focus on who I want to be in this life & be the change that I want to see in my life. In my mind, I ask, “Does this support the life I’m trying to create?” If it doesn’t, why am I doing it & why should I bother? If it doesn’t support my goals, it doesn’t belong in my life. If it does support the life I am trying to create, then by all means follow through with my actions & stay consistent.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I am motivated by my goals that I want to achieve & I’m inspired by the American dancers & Persian bloggers. I want to be both. However, I haven’t seen any Persian women that I know of who are pursuing their goals of being a dancer & fashion blogger/influencer. Both goals are really important to me – I do know one is more lucrative that the other. Although, it’s important to educate myself on how I can manage two goals & bring them to fruition…. Even though sooo many people have said that most can only manage one profession in their lifetime. I’m not most people. I have other goals that I want to bring to life that don’t have anything to do with dance or fashion. I know that will take some time to present to everyone what I can do AND what I am capable of. I realize that I have potential – not because I was told by my dance teacher on the east coast, but because I see my potential to be great. That’s only half of it. Working on my goals will be a struggle, but that’s not my identity. I know it’s all worth it & that’s one of the reasons why I want to be great.