Designed My Recovery

These few photos are pretty recent, however I feel like it is relevant to my story here. These were taken in Muir Woods, CA in April 2021.

I’ve been through so much in my life & I’ve recovered from it. Yes, I had help along the way. However, I feel like I had designed some of that recovery myself. I had defined some of it myself. I really don’t care who knows what I have been through. I had written a memoir about all of it on Wattpad & you can check it out there. You can look for it under the title, “Breathe Through the Scars.”

The “so much” I have been through is anxiety & depression. That comes with overthinking to the point of depression. Of course, I’m better now. I spent days & weeks at two mental health programs. One in Tennessee & one in Florida. That was 6 or 7 years ago. I didn’t work on my goals that I want to take fruition in my twenties, I worked on my mental health throughout my twenties. Dealing with what I had gone through was like a war at myself every day. I was overthinking SOOO goddamn much that I didn’t do anything & it felt like overthinking was the productive part of my day. I’d listen to music to stop the racing thoughts in my mind. That didn’t necessarily help.

I had to speak to a therapist at the two mental health programs. Side note: I went to a mental hospital for about a week or so before those mental health programs. Anxiety & depression made me a mess… A wreck, really. I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since then. The people who had helped with my recovery were my brothers & my mother. My family friend, her sister & her parents visited me in Florida, which was great. However, I believe recovery can be an ongoing process. I know how to manage my anxiety & depression, now. I know we’ve been in a pandemic since January of last year & it’s important to wear a mask, although my anxiety does get to me sometimes, but not as often as before. As far as depression goes, yeah it’s there when I worry. I know worrying doesn’t do anything. However, when I struggle to pursue the goals that I want to take fruition & be the person that I must become, I feel depressed because it’s like, “What if it’s not what I expect it to be? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail & there’s no one to catch me?!” At the same time, I’m thinking, “But what if it does work out? What if it is what I expect it to be & more?” I go back & forth sometimes & I know that’s the anxiety talking.

So, you have to design your own recovery. Don’t go to the mental hospital or mental health programs just because I did. You get to define your own recovery. You get to decide how you want to live your life. I believe I’m limited edition & I get to live my life that way. Live your life your own way! 🦄⚡

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